What they don't tell you is being a mom is the most stressful, sacrificing, unappreciated job you will ever do. Oh, they tell you it will be hard work. That you will have to give up things. Put your kids first. But they never really tell the truth. Because if they did, you might never have kids.
I have been both a part-time working mom and now a stay at home mom (sahm). And I would go back to work right freaking now if I could. What they don't tell you is you will give up literally everything, even parts of yourself to raise a baby and do it well but your partner (hubby, fiance, boyfriend, life partner, whoever) will give up absolutely nothing. Not a damn freaking thing.
You will give up a job you really loved because you both agreed that you weren't comfortable leaving your 6 month old in daycare after your trusted sitter quit. That you give up your few hours a week to be baby free and do something you love. That you will then be a sahm who literally works 24-7 because being a sahm is a full-time job and then some, one you can never leave, one you don't get sick or vacation days from. You will plan your every day around the full-time working partner so he can see the baby when he's home which means turning down invites to do thing with your friends on a very regular basis.
But when he gets home he gives a piggy back ride, eats the hot lunch (and probably complains about it) you made with the baby crying and hanging off your leg, and sits in front of Netflix and takes a nap. A fucking nap. You will never nap. Sleep when the baby sleeps, they said. What a fucking joke. Because he naps between jobs. And yes he works hard. Very hard in fact. You want for nothing. Except a damn nap. And a few minutes to yourself now and then. Because when the baby naps, you clean stalls, do hay, water, feed, clean up toys, do laundry, iron your partner's work clothes, start dinner in the crockpot or on the grill. You work hard too. Where's your nap?? Why can't he take the baby into another room, the porch, the yard so you can close your eyes for 30 minutes??
They don't tell you that you will be completely unappreciated. That you run around like a damn chicken with your head cut off all day every day. That it might have taken 4 hours to clean the house before baby. But now it will take all freaking day and you still won't have everything done. And in 48 hours the house will look like you never cleaned it at all. That you will ask for days and days for dada to take the baby outside so you can mop and vacuum. But even though he keeps saying he will, days go by and you end up holding baby on your hip and vacuuming at the same time.
That Mother's Day means nothing until your child is old enough to know what it is and take matter into her own hands and make dada take her shopping or help make crafts. That you will say 90 thousand million times that for Mother's Day all you want is a nap and to have the baby out of the house for 3 hours so you can clean it. But he will forget Mother's Day for 10 days then bring home clothes you neither need nor want after you said "seriously don't buy me anything."
That you will be asked over and over and over "what do you even do all day?" and told "but you're home all day!" because he doesn't realize and never will that you work around the house and barn all day to hardly ever get a damn thing done. Because that's what happens when you have a mobile child that is a perpetually tornado. So you'll won't do a damn thing for 36 hour. Let her make her messes, leave the kitchen a mess, throw the laundry in piles. Hope he notices the explosion. Then after she goes to bed on the 2nd day, clean everything up. And pray he notices the difference. Because after you get the kid to bed you do more barn work and you pick up the house and eat a bowl of cereal and you're up until 11pm when you could have fallen asleep at 8. And maybe in there you rode your horse for 20 minutes. Because you deserve it. He can go play volley ball and go to the gym so why shouldn't you ride? But chances are at some point in time you're going to get crap for that too because you should have been doing something productive instead.
They don't tell you about the days when you have no help. When dada is working all day and she won't stop whining or fighting with you and you want to put a sign on her "Free to Good Home". You'd never actually do this. Never. You love your baby. But some days you want to cry all day because you haven't slept through the night since before you got pregnant and you've had a migraine for 3 days and your back is still hurting really bad from doing hay 3 weeks ago, so bad that it spasms trying to lay baby in her crib. That you don't say anything about how bad you're hurting because what's it going to matter? He won't stay home. He has a business to run. And you can't call in. And your mom is 600 miles away so you cowboy up even when you want to lay down in a dark room and sleep off the pain.
They don't tell you that you will basically be a one man team. Your partner wants to play for 10 minutes but then it's all you. All day. Every day. It never ends. You won't have an identity beyond being "mama" and "cook" and "maid". You are going to feel like a house elf. Only you are given piles of laundry and you still aren't free to leave. You had dreams of taking turns getting up with her at night, of him staying home with her while you go to the movies with a friend, of him going out with her while you stay home and rest. But let me tell you right now, that's the movies. Not real life. I know there are men out there who aren't so slack. But this here. This is the reality for a majority of sahm's.
They don't tell you that you will finally put her to bed and you'll cry some more because you love her so much and as tired and unappreciated as you are, as much as you fight with your partner because he expects you to be June fucking Cleaver (and let me tell you that hag couldn't have done any of all that. No way in hell) and you never will be and you work so hard but you know no one will ever really see how hard you work unless they are also a mom, especially a sahm, you cry because you feel guilty for being mad. For wanting time alone. Because you miss your baby when she sleeps.
It makes absolutely no sense. And with all the crying and outbursts you're bound to have, because you can only act like nothing bothers you for so long, you'll probably be called dramatic. Treated like your feelings aren't real. Which will make you feel worse. Because you can't make him understand. You have mom friends, besties from school who you vent to. They get it 200%. But that only helps so much. You want him to understand.
I love being a mom. I love my daughter. We really do have so much fun together. She's the happiest kid 98% of the time and loves going on adventures and reading. Her laugh makes my day and warms my heart. And when she lays her head on my shoulder, I fall in love with her even more. As much as I miss my job, I know I have an opportunity most moms never have. I get to stay home with my daughter. I am going to get to homeschool her like I want. I'm teaching her everything she knows and I should be pleased with that. And I am. But it's so complicated, emotionally, being a sahm. It's not for everyone. My mom was blissfully happy to be home with my brother and I day after day. To cook and clean and teach us, take us with her every single time she left the house. She took joy in every little thing. But that's not most sahm's. You're going to feel guilty that even though you can be at home with the kids you feel like you need time to yourself. You're going to want to get out of the damn house so bad, but it means loading up the diaper bag, and running errands by taking baby in and out of the carseat 62 times. It means it takes so much extra time and effort to get out of the house that you end up not wanting to go anywhere.
Feeling this way does not make you a terrible mother. Not one bit. It makes you human. It makes you imperfect. But that's ok!!!!! No one is perfect. Cry. Go outside when baby goes to bed and throw things and cry and get it out of your system. Have a glass of wine. You fucking earned it. No one is going to take care of your emotional well-being but you. So make it happen. Don't feel bad saying you need the sitter to watch her for no good reason. Don't let your person make you feel guilty for needing to do things on your own or with friends. You're a mom. You're human. You need a life outside of wiping butts, reading board books, cutting up chicken nuggets, and chasing little tornadoes. If you're stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted how can you possible raise a happy child? You can't. If getting out once a week alone or with friends makes you a better parent, you HAVE to do it. If that glass of wine on a Tuesday night is what you need to relax, because it's been one hell of a day, and she's teething and crying and nursed so much you're raw and feel like she's a newborn again, drink that glass of wine. Let the house be a mess now and then. Maybe then your person will realize the difference between when he thinks you don't do anything all day to when you actually don't do anything all day. Order pizza. And Chinese. Go through Wendy's for nuggets and fries because every now and then it's too much effort to make a real meal.
Being a mom is not an exact science. So much is expected by you from your partner. He will say that you need to stop complaining because you could never do what he does in a day, but you can. You used to work 2 jobs and take care of your animals and pay the bills and spent 18 months doing 60+ hours of studying a week to get a master's while still holding a job and helping with the farm. You could do what he does. But what he doesn't understand even though he says he does is that he could never do what you do. Because he only sees an hour a day of what you do. He's there with you, so you still feed baby and do the disciplining. He doesn't have to be everything for one tiny human with no break ever. No naps. No sick days when you're migraining and throwing up or have a sinus infection and can breathe. No vacation days. With a curfew. Because you can't be out past their bed time and my the good Lord help you if you are. Stop trying to be June Cleaver. It's never going to happen. And eventually he will just have to get over it. Who knows how long that will take though.....
Besides, no one looks back after 20 years and thinks "damn! my house was always so clean" and smiles. I remember my house growing up. Both of them. I honestly could not tell you if a 8 years old my house was clean, cluttered, or spouting mold. I remember going on day trips and playing in the pool and riding bikes with the neighbor kids. I remember laying under the fan in the livingroom on 80* days and falling asleep to the whir of the fan. No one remembers what the house's condition was. Because who cares.
Do what you need to be a good mom. To be happy. To make your kids happy. In the end that's all that matters.
