What they *Really* Don't Tell You Before Becoming a Mom

A bitter post, if there ever was one. But that doesn't make this any less true.

What they don't tell you is being a mom is the most stressful, sacrificing, unappreciated job you will ever do. Oh, they tell you it will be hard work. That you will have to give up things. Put your kids first. But they never really tell the truth. Because if they did, you might never have kids.

I have been both a part-time working mom and now a stay at home mom (sahm). And I would go back to work right freaking now if I could. What they don't tell you is you will give up literally everything, even parts of yourself to raise a baby and do it well but your partner (hubby, fiance, boyfriend, life partner, whoever) will give up absolutely nothing. Not a damn freaking thing.

You will give up a job you really loved because you both agreed that you weren't comfortable leaving your 6 month old in daycare after your trusted sitter quit. That you give up your few hours a week to be baby free and do something you love. That you will then be a sahm who literally works 24-7 because being a sahm is a full-time job and then some, one you can never leave, one you don't get sick or vacation days from. You will plan your every day around the full-time working partner so he can see the baby when he's home which means turning down invites to do thing with your friends on a very regular basis.

But when he gets home he gives a piggy back ride, eats the hot lunch (and probably complains about it) you made with the baby crying and hanging off your leg, and sits in front of Netflix and takes a nap. A fucking nap. You will never nap. Sleep when the baby sleeps, they said. What a fucking joke. Because he naps between jobs. And yes he works hard. Very hard in fact. You want for nothing. Except a damn nap. And a few minutes to yourself now and then. Because when the baby naps, you clean stalls, do hay, water, feed, clean up toys, do laundry, iron your partner's work clothes, start dinner in the crockpot or on the grill. You work hard too. Where's your nap?? Why can't he take the baby into another room, the porch, the yard so you can close your eyes for 30 minutes??

They don't tell you that you will be completely unappreciated. That you run around like a damn chicken with your head cut off all day every day. That it might have taken 4 hours to clean the house before baby. But now it will take all freaking day and you still won't have everything done. And in 48 hours the house will look like you never cleaned it at all. That you will ask for days and days for dada to take the baby outside so you can mop and vacuum. But even though he keeps saying he will, days go by and you end up holding baby on your hip and vacuuming at the same time.

That Mother's Day means nothing until your child is old enough to know what it is and take matter into her own hands and make dada take her shopping or help make crafts. That you will say 90 thousand million times that for Mother's Day all you want is a nap and to have the baby out of the house for 3 hours so you can clean it. But he will forget Mother's Day for 10 days then bring home clothes you neither need nor want after you said "seriously don't buy me anything."

That you will be asked over and over and over "what do you even do all day?" and told "but you're home all day!" because he doesn't realize and never will that you work around the house and barn all day to hardly ever get a damn thing done. Because that's what happens when you have a mobile child that is a perpetually tornado. So you'll won't do a damn thing for 36 hour. Let her make her messes, leave the kitchen a mess, throw the laundry in piles. Hope he notices the explosion. Then after she goes to bed on the 2nd day, clean everything up. And pray he notices the difference. Because after you get the kid to bed you do more barn work and you pick up the house and eat a bowl of cereal and you're up until 11pm when you could have fallen asleep at 8. And maybe in there you rode your horse for 20 minutes. Because you deserve it. He can go play volley ball and go to the gym so why shouldn't you ride? But chances are at some point in time you're going to get crap for that too because you should have been doing something productive instead.

They don't tell you about the days when you have no help. When dada is working all day and she won't stop whining or fighting with you and you want to put a sign on her "Free to Good Home". You'd never actually do this. Never. You love your baby. But some days you want to cry all day because you haven't slept through the night since before you got pregnant and you've had a migraine for 3 days and your back is still hurting really bad from doing hay 3 weeks ago, so bad that it spasms trying to lay baby in her crib. That you don't say anything about how bad you're hurting because what's it going to matter? He won't stay home. He has a business to run. And you can't call in. And your mom is 600 miles away so you cowboy up even when you want to lay down in a dark room and sleep off the pain.

They don't tell you that you will basically be a one man team. Your partner wants to play for 10 minutes but then it's all you. All day. Every day. It never ends. You won't have an identity beyond being "mama" and "cook" and "maid". You are going to feel like a house elf. Only you are given piles of laundry and you still aren't free to leave. You had dreams of taking turns getting up with her at night, of him staying home with her while you go to the movies with a friend, of him going out with her while you stay home and rest. But let me tell you right now, that's the movies. Not real life. I know there are men out there who aren't so slack. But this here. This is the reality for a majority of sahm's.

They don't tell you that you will finally put her to bed and you'll cry some more because you love her so much and as tired and unappreciated as you are, as much as you fight with your partner because he expects you to be June fucking Cleaver (and let me tell you that hag couldn't have done any of all that. No way in hell) and you never will be and you work so hard but you know no one will ever really see how hard you work unless they are also a mom, especially a sahm, you cry because you feel guilty for being mad. For wanting time alone. Because you miss your baby when she sleeps.

It makes absolutely no sense. And with all the crying and outbursts you're bound to have, because you can only act like nothing bothers you for so long, you'll probably be called dramatic. Treated like your feelings aren't real. Which will make you feel worse. Because you can't make him understand. You have mom friends, besties from school who you vent to. They get it 200%. But that only helps so much. You want him to understand.

I love being a mom. I love my daughter. We really do have so much fun together. She's the happiest kid 98% of the time and loves going on adventures and reading. Her laugh makes my day and warms my heart. And when she lays her head on my shoulder, I fall in love with her even more. As much as I miss my job, I know I have an opportunity most moms never have. I get to stay home with my daughter. I am going to get to homeschool her like I want. I'm teaching her everything she knows and I should be pleased with that. And I am. But it's so complicated, emotionally, being a sahm. It's not for everyone. My mom was blissfully happy to be home with my brother and I day after day. To cook and clean and teach us, take us with her every single time she left the house. She took joy in every little thing. But that's not most sahm's. You're going to feel guilty that even though you can be at home with the kids you feel like you need time to yourself. You're going to want to get out of the damn house so bad, but it means loading up the diaper bag, and running errands by taking baby in and out of the carseat 62 times. It means it takes so much extra time and effort to get out of the house that you end up not wanting to go anywhere.

Feeling this way  does not make you a terrible mother. Not one bit. It makes you human. It makes you imperfect. But that's ok!!!!! No one is perfect. Cry. Go outside when baby goes to bed and throw things and cry and get it out of your system. Have a glass of wine. You fucking earned it. No one is going to take care of your emotional well-being but you. So make it happen. Don't feel bad saying you need  the sitter to watch her for no good reason. Don't let your person make you feel guilty for needing to do things on your own or with friends. You're a mom. You're human. You need a life outside of wiping butts, reading board books, cutting up chicken nuggets, and chasing little tornadoes. If you're stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted how can you possible raise a happy child? You can't. If getting out once a week alone or with friends makes you a better parent, you HAVE to do it. If that glass of wine on a Tuesday night is what you need to relax, because it's been one hell of a day, and she's teething and crying and nursed so much you're raw and feel like she's a newborn again, drink that glass of wine. Let the house be a mess now and then. Maybe then your person will realize the difference between when he thinks you don't do anything all day to when you actually don't do anything all day. Order pizza. And Chinese. Go through Wendy's for nuggets and fries because every now and then it's too much effort to make a real meal.

Being a mom is not an exact science. So much is expected by you from your partner. He will say that you need to stop complaining because you could never do what he does in a day, but you can. You used to work 2 jobs and take care of your animals and pay the bills and spent 18 months doing 60+ hours of studying a week to get a master's while still holding a job and helping with the farm. You could do what he does. But what he doesn't understand even though he says he does is that he could never do what you do. Because he only sees an hour a day of what you do. He's there with you, so you still feed baby and do the disciplining. He doesn't have to be everything for one tiny human with no break ever. No naps. No sick days when you're migraining and throwing up or have a sinus infection and can breathe. No vacation days. With a curfew. Because you can't be out past their bed time and my the good Lord help you if you are. Stop trying to be June Cleaver. It's never going to happen. And eventually he will just have to get over it. Who knows how long that will take though.....

Besides, no one looks back after 20 years and thinks "damn! my house was always so clean" and smiles. I remember my house growing up. Both of them. I honestly could not tell you if a 8 years old my house was clean, cluttered, or spouting mold. I remember going on day trips and playing in the pool and riding bikes with the neighbor kids. I remember laying under the fan in the livingroom on 80* days and falling asleep to the whir of the fan. No one remembers what the house's condition was. Because who cares.

Do what you need to be a good mom. To be happy. To make your kids happy. In the end that's all that matters.

My Thoughts on Sleep Training

So even though I said I never would, we've been sleep training. Here's the deal....

From 2-4 months she slept 5-8 hours a night. After the 4 month mark we have been up 3-8 times a night every night. Her lack of sleep was making me a miserable person and creating problems in the relationship. She had to sleep.

Firstly, I don't believe sleep training should even be a though before the baby is mental ready for it. For most babies I'm going to say this is 8+ months. SJ was probably ready a month ago but we just started. I don't care if you hate me for saying this, but I HATE hearing mothers who are "sleep training" their newborns. STOP THAT. Newborns don't even have a nervous system t hat had adjusted to life outside the womb but let's have them lay their and cry their brains out. They don't learn to self soothe. They just cry until they are too tired and worn out and then fall asleep. It's cruel. Tiny babies have needs. Yes, they can't fall asleep without being rocked or held, but that's what they've been given for 9 months!

Imagine if you will ladies, how well you sleep when your SO isn't around? I know I sleep like crap when he goes anywhere over night. I am so used to sleeping close to him. So why should we act like it's a horrible thing for our babies to be the same way?

And too much changes during their first several months. Teething and growth spurts and colic. There is no point trying to ST. Your baby is going to need your comfort, whether it's being rocked or nursed. So give it to them. THEY ARE ONLY LITTLE ONCE!

Secondly, try every single other method before you let them cry. I did with Sianna. For weeks we pushed naps back so she wouldn't be napping too close to bed time. We moved bed time back so she wouldn't be going to bed overtired. We cluster fed at night and I offered her my nini as much as possible during the day, trying to pack on daytime calories. She is a stubborn and incredibly smart little girl that knew as long as she asked for it, I'd shove a boob in her face all night long.

We even tried to co-sleep but ironically the girl that loves to fall asleep near me wanted no part of co-sleeping, though we tried and tried.....

Lastly, no matter what method you use, you trust your gut and you go get your baby if you feel like you need to. Everyone says "don't go in there!" "be strong!" "don't give in" "don't let her win!" but that's bullshit. It's been one whole week since we started ST and when SJ gets too worked up I go in whether it's been 1 hour or 15 minutes. I go in and I rock her and nurse her and settle her. I've gone to sleep when I've cried violently for a long time. I think everyone has. Maybe it was a break up or someone died or having a bad day, but you never sleep as well. You wake up feeling exhausted. So go in there and settle your baby. You know your baby's cries. Don't let her cry herself out just because everyone says to. In 1 week, SJ has done excellent. And I rock her and nurse her and settle her. It's not giving in, it's listening to her needs.

So here's the deal. A week ago yesterday I was up the whole night. Literally EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I put SJ in her bed she was up again instantly. I was up most of the night. Around 4 am SO said put her in her room with white noise and come to bed. I did. She naps in her own room in her crib with white noise every single day. That room is comfortable and familiar to her. After 30 minutes of crying she fell asleep. She woke 2 or 3 times and went back to sleep faster each time. She woke up for the day at 8am.

Once we had started I figured we'd go on with it. Saturday I put her in her bed about 9pm. Everyone and every book says to do an early consistent bed time. Well with my current work schedule, 9-930pm will have to be good enough. She cried on and off for an hour, sometimes talking and playing with her stuffed doggy. At the end of the hour she worked herself up so bad that I had to go in. I rocked her and nursed her and calmed her down and put her back in bed. She cried another 40 minutes or so and slept for the next 4.5 hours.

Right now I am completely happy to feed her twice a night, never closer than 4 hours apart though. I don't mind and even though everyone will tell you they can make it 12 hours without a meal, I'll tell you this... I CAN'T EVEN GO 12 HOURS WITHOUT A MEAL AT NIGHT!!!!! And I've been known to get up in the middle of the night and have some cereal or a granola bar. Not just while pregnant or nursing either. But way back before that too! In the next month I'll probably cut her back to once a night. But for now I'm letting it be.

The 3rd night she went down talked and played for 15 minutes and was out. Woke up twice to feed and slept until 8.

The 4th, 5th and 6th nights she went right to bed like a pro. No crying during the night. Up twice to feed, going longer between feeds.

Last night and tonight we are back to crying. Our naps have sucked too. Partly because Dada won't let her cry a bit. I keep telling him half the time she's faking it. But dadas are push overs. Also, part of this is due to teething. And because she won't nap well she is overtired and then won't fall asleep well.

I have hope that this will pass and she well start going right to sleep again.

I just got back from nursing and calming her. She's crying now, but it's half-hearted. I'm hoping she calms down and goes to sleep. It's been one hell of a week and Mamma's nerves are frayed.

Another thought is, I will not be a mom who is anchored to my baby's sleep schedule. Hell, we hardly have one. We are flexible. I don't put her down for a nap because it's Noon, I put her down for a nap because I read her sleep cues. Sometimes it's earlier, sometimes later. Same with bedtime. And I won't not go on an outing with the family because heaven forbid I'm not back by 9 to get her in bed. No way. She can nap in the car and go to bed a bit late. So far so good on all this too. We have a crazy life filled with racehorses and restaurants. We go out to dinner as a family at 7pm some nights and sometimes we race late. But we'll be there for all of that.

My biggest question right now is how to I wean her off white noise???? But seeing as we are still crying some times I guess we'll leave that for another day. We'll do it when we do it.

Nearly 9 Months and Leaving My Job

Oh my gosh. Is she really going to be 9 months old on Saturday? Holy crap where has the time gone???

Here is a SJ update....

She is moments away from walking. No really. She keeps letting go of things trying to walk off but as she goes to take her 2nd step, falls down.
She has 2 toofies and another on the way. I'm sure it's probably broken the gums but she won't let me check it out.
She likes to do everything herself, god forbid you try to help her.
We started sleep training and she is sleeping SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better and I'm not longer a zombie.(More on this later....)

And yes, me who fought so hard to stay working is leaving a job I really love. But I love my baby more. With no sitter and S going back to the track in another 8 weeks or so, it's too hard to work the schedule I have and they can't really do anything at the moment to change it. And I can't hang in there until they can. So on the 16th I will be entering the world of stay at home moms. I'm sad to leave but I told everyone we'll be visiting often.

I also told S I will not just sit at home day after day and go crazy. I will make time to ride Twister regularly and we will go walking with Mona at the park. We will go to story hour at the library every week and go have lunch with S at the restaurant. In the summer we will drive out to horse shows to visit friends and cheer them on. I will leave her with S and go shopping or riding and have me time. Maybe we will even take an agility class with Mona or do obedience classes again. Who knows. But I do know I will not sit home all day everyday. SJ and I will go on adventures and keep busy.

5 Months Old!

Sianna June turned 5 months old yesterday. She is growing so fast. She is almost crawling. She is way ahead of the game of where other 5 month old babies are. She already wants to walk.

She is in the middle of her first head cold. We went to the pediatrician Monday and learned that everything I was doing to treat her was wrong........ So now that we are back on track I am hoping she gets back to 100% soon.

we go backwards, here we are figuring out
moving forward!

Apparently you can't diffuse eucalyptus around babies. Bad for their airways. Vicks on the bottoms of her feet is the way to go.

And I need to buy more lavender oil. Because I miss sleep so much that I daydream about sleep. Before we went to NY (she flew for the first time awesome! Never cried once!) she was having a growth spurt. Then there was the traveling. So that kept her from sleeping normal. And now she's sick. She's been up all night, every night for like 3 weeks. It's like having a newborn again. If she could even go 4-5 hours instead of 2 I'd be so happy.

It's weeks like this when I seriously think SO is right and I should just quit my job. I love my job. And I know this will pass. She won't do this forever. But not having to work would be just a little easier. It's hard to be nice to people when you've gotten 5 hours in 3 nights..............

16 weeks

My baby is 16 weeks old today. Seriously, when the hell did that happen? It seems like just yesterday she was 12 weeks/3 months. Nearly 4 months old?! SLOW DOWN!

I'm not sure at this point what to do about her tantrums. When she was smaller I knew she was crying for a reason. But sometimes now I feel like she's just mad and trying to get her way. I have no idea what I'm doing and it's so scary. Do I tell her calmly and firmly to settle down? Or do I just pick her up and hold her?

The worst of it is when she's in the car. I'm pretty sure she is screaming and crying because she just doesn't want to be in her seat. But I don't want to pull over and take her out, especially if I know she's been fed. But do I just keep driving letting her scream? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!!

After yesterday with the screaming bloody murder in the car we came home to both be exhausted. She napped for 3 hours and I got about 45 minutes on the couch. Today I'm still so tired. She didn't go to sleep until 12 last night and was up at 7. And I work tonight.

I don't want to adult.

She's been napping. And I'm pretty sure she is getting up already. Mommy needs a nap. I love being a mommy. But some days are so rough. Some days I just want to crawl under the blankies. Someday I need some mommy time. Which really just means nap time.

The house is a disaster and I'm lucky if I get time to eat at all. Ever. Seems like any time I try to eat she doesn't want me to eat. Yet I still have about 15 lbs to go until my goal weight. You'd think running around like a chicken with my head cut off and never eating would make me lose weight.....

But in the end, this smile makes everything all better.

Bragging Rights

Yes, I'm a very proud first time momma. But my baby IS super strong. I've had so many people tell me "3 month old babies don't do that! She's so strong" while the freaking doctor says "oh babies her age don't do that" and completely think I'm lying.

Yes, my baby had started teething just past 2 months old. She has like 3 teeth pushing through now at 15 weeks old. But I was told that wasn't possible.

Yes, my baby is army crawling during her tummy time. She doesn't get far and it's slow going, but she DOES know EXACTLY what she is doing.

Yes, she is holding her head up.

Yes, she is trying to sit up on her own.

Let's remember for a moment that my baby girl was lodged stubbornly in my birth canal for 61 hours! Her heart rate only dipped once that entire time. She came out screaming and crying then proceeded to roll over at 3 days old and has been rolling over ever since. But apparently I made that up too.

I hate doctors. But because my little girl needs her check ups every 2 months and because she needs to get her vaccines (yes, I believe in vaccines) we go see the doctor. Though I am thinking of switching because these doctors are constantly telling me I'm making things up. Okay, so they don't really say that exactly. But you can see it on their faces. She's just being boastful. Telling a fish story.

Or maybe, my baby is just as strong as I say she is!

I'm thinking of showing her videos next time in. Can't blow off that kind of proof right??

Things you (might) need that you may not have thought about....

Here are some items I have found to be necessities that I never thought about before baby was born.....

An extra Boppy cover. There are a million days I'm glad I had this. Blow outs, spit ups, the dog deciding the Boppy was a good pillow of napping... I actually wished I had a waterproof cover. Boppy, get on that!!! Why waterproof? Because there are days when the blow outs are so bad taht the whole pillow needs a wash.

Bamboo nursing pads. I used a lot of disposable nursing pads the first couple months. but I've gone all out with the washable ones now. I just bought some more. $20 for a box of disposables that last 6 weeks or $16 for 14 washable that will last the entire time I nurse? That one is a no brainer. Not to mention the bamboo ones are super soft and plenty absorbent.
The ones I bought

Don't get too attached to your handy dandy easy to carry bucket carseat. Because chances are that your baby will hate it. Maybe he'll love it. It's tight and cozy like the womb. My baby hated it from day one. We bought a convertible and have the bucket for back ups. Best thing we have spent money on since she was born. This website is the best for helping you pick a good seat, whether you are buying your first seat or trying to find one your baby won't scream bloody murder in.
Carseats for the Littles

A sling or wrap of some sort. The first 6 weeks or so of the "4th trimester" can be tough. Your baby doesn't want to leave your arms because that's where she feels safest. Don't try to make her be on her own because "she has to learn". That's crap. A baby will grow out of it and learn to become more independent over time. But the first 3 months after birth, ESPECIALLY the first 6 weeks, are tough! Baby is still adjusting to live outside the womb where she was warm and could hear  your heart beat. I wore Sianna A LOT the first few weeks. I still wear her a lot. She likes it. It's comforting and she can hang out with me and see everything I see. I was given an Evenflo Snugli which I like for barn chores. But I just bought a Moby wrap as well. Which is extremely comfy to wear!! It's what I will be using on the airplane next month. Ask questions and try out different slings and wraps until you find one you like. If you don't baby wear you seriously will never get anything done ever.

White noise. I didn't think I'd need it. But turns out a recording of a vacuum helps my little girl nap. Because she was refusing to nap and by 2pm would be a little monster of crankiness. Don't spend money on a white noise machine, but DO make up a playlist of different white noise sounds on Youtube. Then you can try different ones until you find one that works. Sianna likes the vacuum best, but also relaxes with the thunderstorm noise. I wish I'd tried white noise the first couple of weeks when she was so colicky!

A baby medicine kit. Include gripe water and gas relief drops for cranky tummies and baby Orajel. Coconut oil for cradle cap and baby Motrin for after those first vaccines. You don't want her to have a small fever and have no Motrin around!! (Which is exactly what I did... luckily Mom was here and I could have her run to the store for me!!!)

Essential oil diffuser. And lots of Lavender oil. This will also help with relaxing cranky, colicky babies and helping with babies that feel like they are going to miss something if they give in an nap. Mine was given to me by one of my besties. I love it and am already all the way through a bottle of lavender. Lavender oil will also help calm dogs that don't like thunder storms. Or dogs that are a little nervous that you brought home a screaming, angry bald puppy.