Comparisons

Got in a little tiff with a Facebook friend over her status this morning comparing pregnancy to the swine flu. Being a pregnant lady, I found it offensive. Never once did I ever joke about pregnancy as a disease while all my friends were having babies. Yes, I was that girl that always has wanted to have babies, but even when I knew I wasn't ready, I never made such jokes.

Pregnancy is a miracle. It's a joy and blessing. Not a disease. It's not contagious either. Being that I've had friends act like I'm going to kill them with the plague since I shared my big news, I especially find it offensive.

I tried to explain this to her and I said that someday she'd understand. When she's pregnant and so in love with the little life growing inside her she will also be offended by comments comparing the little life inside her to a deadly disease.

She disagreed. Which is her right. But for all the friends she claims she has that are pregnant, me included, you'd think she'd be more careful about comparing peoples children to the swine flu.  She says when she is pregnant and people make these comments she'd joke back and harass her friends. I'm telling you right now she won't. She'll take offense at anyone comparing her baby to a disease. Just like each and every pregnant woman in history will punch you in the face for saying she's fat. You just don't say those types of things to an expecting mother.

Somehow I knew this long before I became pregnant. When C was pregnant our final year of college we were all thrilled for her. We threw a shower and no one ever made any crude jokes. Not one of us back then (we were a big group of friends) were ready ourselves to have babies and C wasn't quite either, that being unexpected and unplanned. But we would never have even dreamed about making jokes comparing her little one to a disease or threatened to get the Lysol.

Am I taking this all too personally? Honestly, I don't think so. I think jokes and comparisons like that are in poor taste. Especially for any mother reading who might have had to go above and beyond to have her baby. Not every mom gets pregnant easily. Some have to fight for it. Some want to have a baby so bad but never get the chance at all and I'm sure they would take the most offense. And maybe it's just me being a hormonal pregnant lady that is already an angry momma bear, ready to defend the little life inside me. How dare anyone speak about my baby, any baby, like that!? That's my job though. And someday this FB friend will understand. Not every woman understands until it's happening to them. I always got it, even as a kid. Some have to wait until it's happening to them, then the light bulb turns on. And for those people, I cannot wait until they do get it.

Big News!!!

IT'S A GIRL!

I'm so excited!!!!!!!! SO's first girl out of 4 boys so he's a little freaked out... but little baby girl will have lots of brothers and a daddy to love and protect her. I really wanted a girl and I'm thrilled. She's healthy and perfect and weighs a whopping 1 lb! She was moving all over the place and waved at us. I cried and laughed. It's so amazing.

Thankful

Today I am thankful for feeling my baby move for the first time last night.

Earlier in the evening I thought I might be having Braxton-Hicks contractions. Just uncomfortable pressure in my lower belly, like where menstrual craps are experienced. They'd come and go with no real pattern. But I've also been doing a lot in the last week or so. Inside and outside the house. I wasn't sure if that's really what was going on of if I was just tired and strained. So on the advice of a mom friend, I took a warm shower and got comfy in bed.

I'm sitting there in bed snacking on animal crackers and drinking apple juice like a 5 year old when I felt a weird gas bubble.... but only on one side of my belly and up a bit higher than gas normally is. I thought could this be my baby moving?? So I got my stethoscope out and listened.

I could hear the heart beat, loud and strong. And I could hear the pops and pow of baby dancing, kicking and punching around in my belly. I was laughing and crying. It was amazing. I wake up every day wondering if I'll feel baby today and never do. I was thrilled. It was so cool and so amazing. I can't wait until I feel it again.

And in less than a week I go for my anatomy ultrasound!!

I hope everyone else has a wonderful day with family and friends.

Missing my Lola

Lola was a dog we had for nearly 4 years. She was killed by a car a year ago in October. She was my heart dog. My best friend. We were so close and did everything together. We went all over town together. When the nieces and nephews came over, she was the favorite to play with and she just loved the kids.

always let me dress her up

I'm missing her because I know how great she would be with baby. She would be protective, never let anyone hurt or take baby. She would be gentle and loving and be another momma to baby.

the little girls loved to take Lola for walks

Lola loved her kitties. Sure, she chased them. But she also loved them. She treated them like little puppies. Licking them and snuggling them. I know she would have been an amazing big sister.

one of Lola's babies

I think Roader will be a great big brother. I think at times he will probably get jealous and mad, but for the most part I think he will be gentle and loving, instead of aloof and cranky.

old man Roader

Mona I'm not so sure about. I haven't seen her around kids yet. I really need to see her around kids. I have been working with her in the future nursery. She pretty much knows when we're in there, not matter what I'm doing, to go lay down on her mat in front of the little bookshelf and stay there. I have been working with her on no jumping, because she has a really bad habit of it. I work on her but then SO 'boxes' with her and gets her jumping and all worked up again..... not helpful. We still have about 4 months to work on things....

Practicing how to behave in the nursery

Ranger would have been a great big brother too. But Lola.... Lola would have been amazing. And I miss her so much. I would never have had to worry about her ever around baby. Mona I will have to watch like a hawk. Lola I could have let be and do whatever and have known she would be helping me take excellent care of baby.

happy go-lucky Ranger. who I also miss too much

There have been some losses this week. And I guess I'm just sad and hormonal all around. I saw a photo of Lola on Facebook this morning and it just made me miss her so much.

most beautiful moose girl

Boy or Girl?

I find out in 11 days whether we are having a boy or a girl. I have wanted a girl so bad then I realized.... I don' know if I want a girl. I don't do tea parties. I hated Barbies growing up. My brother and I tortured them. I can't do hair. Though I can clean up like no bodies business and can go from barn bum to evening gown in no time at all.

I really want a girl. But what if she's a girly girl? I don't know how to do girly girl! I know how to play with Tonka trucks and Breyer horses and play in the sandbox.

When I babysat twins, one boy one girl, I was always so much better with the little boy than the little girl. He liked to ride bikes and watch hockey and horse racing. We played with action figures and built tall block castles just to destroy them.

11 days...... Then I'll figure it all out. Brush up on how to be a girly girl. Buy a Barbie. Or buy little baby Wranglers and a Tonka truck.

Midwifery and tiny human update

I had my first appointment with the midwife at U of L today. I'm really happy I decided to switch. She's very nice and spent a lot of time to get to know me and let me ask questions and ask me questions. I felt like it was the first thorough baby appointment I've had since I found out I was pregnant. She also used the Doppler to listen to the heart beat.

12 week baby bump

And we scheduled the anatomy ultrasound! Only 5 weeks!!!!! I seriously want to know yesterday if I'm having a boy or girl. I'm really not good with waiting. Or surprises. My mom said I've never been the girl that reads the last chapter of a book for wanting to find out what will happen. But with a book I can stay up all night reading until I've reached the end. I can't speed up my pregnancy.

Baby is still low on my pelvis and on the left. If baby is still so tiny and still so low than why is my belly growing so much?? Not that I mind. I like the way I look pregnant. And it's not fat either. I've gained some weight but I'm pretty much right on target with the 1 pound per week schedule for weight gain. And that's with eating like a horse all day every day.

My cravings are all for salty things. Potato chips. Slim Jims. Beef jerky. Quesidillas. Chicken wings. Pizza. Oh the cravings for pizza are strong. 9 days until I get the best pizza in the world again. I live for that on a normal day. But now that I'm craving it....... yikes!!!!

I was dead sure I was having a girl but now I'm not so sure. But I'll know in 5 weeks!

13 week baby bump

Because We're Suckers

Suckers for an animal in need. For a puppy with a cute little face.

Friday I stopped at the shelter on my way home from work. I heard they were over full and it's a kill shelter. I figured it couldn't hurt to see if there was a dog there that fit our family. There were 3 or 4 actually and I called my person and told him to meet me there on his way home from work. I'd go home and get Roader.

Mona

We saw 3 dogs that were okay. The one I really liked. She was a shepherd/doby mix and super cute. But Roader didn't like her. Deal breaker. The one I wasn't so sure I wanted was the one my person really liked and the only one Roader didn't try to snarl or bite. Clinch the deal.

9-ish month old lab-border collie mix

Took us 2 days to name her. Mona. And she has kennel cough and a secondary infection, respiratory. But we went to the vet today and got meds for all that. Training classes started this week but I won't be able to take her until next week when the meds have kicked in. Not that I need training class to train her. But it's really good socialization for her.

seriously? a new furball?

She is a bit nervous, a velcro dog with some separation anxiety and she needs to learn to be alone without freaking out. But she's already getting there. She really likes Roader. And she's SUPER smart. Never have a I taught a dog so many thing in 3 days. She's going to be one of those dogs that do all the cool tricks and agility and catches frisbies all over the place. I'm really attached already.

that was a NICE bed too.....

I've had a couple people suggest maybe it was too soon for us to get another dog. But there are totally legit reasons. We have a spot in our home and there are many dogs needing a home. Roader needs a friend. This gives me 6 whole months to put training on her before the baby comes. And this is just my way of working through the grief from Ranger. I was talking to my old boss about it (she's a dog trainer) and she said she totally understands. That's how she deals too after losing a dog.

I won't lie though. When I pulled into the vet's today, exactly 1 week from when we lost Ranger, I lost it. Broke down in the parking lot. But Mona and Roader are helping me through this.

I hate October!

Last October something happened..... several people/dogs/horses that I knew died including my Lola Moose. I still haven't quite gotten over Lola. I hated that October. And as October approached this year all I could think of was boot weather. A break from the heat.

Then yesterday I had to put down my puppy. Ranger broke both his right legs and because he has no hip joints from the FHOs and severe arthritis in both front legs (elbows and knees) he was just a messed up little puppy and there was really nothing we could do. Our vet said he'd do surgery if we wanted but he couldn't even say if Ranger would walk again. If he did walk, he'd be on heavy pain meds for whatever short life he had left. It just wasn't fair to such a sweet boy to put him through all that because I couldn't even bare the thought of losing him.

I buried him next to Lola on the fence line with his favorite Kong squeaker toy.

Poor Roader is so upset. He slept with my person and I last night and he never stays in bed with us a whole night. He is 12 years old but keeps outliving all his friends. I let him sniff Ranger when we brought him home from the vet. I didn't want him wondering if he was ever coming home.

I'm so worried about Roader now. Last year after Lola he got depressed and lost a ton of weight. So even though I'm definitely not ready for another dog I have to make a decision to get another dog right away (so I can have it trained up a bit before April) or wait until this time next year to get another dog. And it's not something I even want to think about. But I have to. For Roader. He doesn't like being alone all the time.

I took this hours before he got hurt.... the last pic of him :'(

Rest in peace, baby boy. We will always love you.

Staying at Home

I have this secret desire to be a stay at home mom. Even just for the first few years. I have several reasons for this desire and I feel like SO and I could still live comfortably if I stayed home... or even worked part time.

Reasons:

1. This might be my only child. And I don't want to miss anything.

2. I don't want strangers raising my baby

3. If I work and have to put baby in day care, all I'm doing is working to afford day care...

4. I think I'm meant to. I've done a lot of things over the years. My favorite job being when I managed the foaling barn in NY. I've had jobs I've loved but not enough to do forever, like working at the track or at the dog kennel. I really like what I'm doing now but is it worth it to lose all those precious moments I could have with my little one? To me the answer is no. Maybe I'm delusional but I think I'm meant to be a mom and that I need to take that time to stay home and raise my child myself.

5. The first few years of you child's life are their most impressionable. If you send them to day care where they aren't allowed to talk about God and where they are told what to think and believe by a bunch of strangers that most definitely do not know what's best for your child, then you're going to have problems. My mom home schooled both my brother and I for a few years. Even in the Christian school I was told what to think and believe and it wasn't always good. I was in Preschool and was told I was wrong for being ahead of the class, already knowing how to write small words. I want my baby to be free to express her self. To not be held back because it might make the other students feel bad. To be able to pray and talk about her beliefs. If you ask me, one of the BIGGEST problems in our country is no one raises their own children anymore. You spend a few hours a night with them. Meanwhile they have spent all day having their head filled with garbage. Being embarrassed for talking about God or praying before a mean. Told that they aren't allowed. They aren't taught morals and values, Christian or otherwise. We can't expect teachers and the school system to raise or babies. We can't expect our children to know what we want them to if someone else has raised them. And then we can't act shocked when they do something bad and say "oh she knows better!" Really? Does she? Because I'm pretty sure the school didn't teach her better.

Some schools are the exception to this. But I still wouldn't want my child attending too early in life. I went to Catholic school for 3 years and if I could have managed, I would have attended for high school as well. The values they taught in every single class matched the values and beliefs I was being taught at home. Debate was welcome. Differences celebrated. No one felt unwelcome or embarrassed. And the education was top notch.


Maybe I'll get bored being a SAHM but maybe it will be exactly what I've been meant to do all this time. I guess I never know until I try. I've been thinking about job options for being a SAHM, like perhaps I could babysit at home a few days a week. Actually... that's all I've come up with.

I haven't made a decision yet. But being a momma and raising a baby is a big deal. It's not something you leave to strangers. You're raising a human being. Someone that has to grow up to be a mature, functioning member of society. You don't leave that to strangers.

My Mom

My mom is pretty awesome. She's so exited about this grandbaby I'll be giving her, even if she lives 600 miles away. She's going to make the most of it.

She is making plans to come down this week to take me shopping for clothes that fit. I had a mo-mo Saturday when trying to get dressed to go visit SO for dinner at his restaurant. I have like 3 or 4 go to pieces of clothing for going out or to work that actually fit. I'm 10 weeks now and already my belly is growing and things are getting snug. I appreciate a nice figure-hugging outfit. But I don't appreciate looking like a sausage.

Mom ordered some stuff off Zulily for me but I swear I'll deliver before the clothes get here. We are going on 3 weeks since the order was placed. BS!

So this morning Mom is like hey I'll come down this weekend and take you shopping! I love this idea! SO and I like to shop together too, and he's pretty classy, but sometimes you need another woman to help you, not your man.

I have been dreaming about my favorite pizza from back home. And I honestly don't know if me having Mom come is more for the pizza or the clothes. But right now all I can think about is Chop's pizza with sweet sauce. My mouth is literally watering right now.

I have friends that said because I am so slim I'd never need maternity clothes. These people are crazy. I don't know how any can not need them or buy them. I bought one size up long sleeve tees from Wallyland and they are already looking not so hot on me.

So I cannot wait for Mom to get here Thursday so I can eat half a sheet of Chop's pizza. And also so we can shop. LOL!

Appetite

The first few weeks of being pregnant I was slightly nauseous but not enough to stop me from shamelessly eating 2 lunches in 1 afternoon to the side eye of my co workers. And then around 6 or 7 weeks my body turned on me. Crackers, toast and ginger ale. Nausea almost all day every day. Being sick on and off all day. The fetal position, ironically, my favorite place to be.

Last weekend it was its worse. The peak. I curled up in bed all weekend and wanted to cry.

But now I'm back in business. I am so hungry all the time. I still can't eat first thing in the morning, which is totally opposite of me. But during the day, I eat. I try to pace myself. But today alone I've had 3 grilled peanut butter sandwiches and 10 wings and a side of fries. Which is a lot more than I normally eat in a day.

And everyday I have a different craving. Right this minutes I have a huge craving for pizza. My favorite pizza from back home. But a KY substitute would do. If it wasn't 10pm I'd be ordering right now... even though I'd have to go pick it up because none of these chain pizza chops here deliver to my house. Now a mom and pop pizza shop would. But KY doesn't have those.


I fell asleep writing this last night.

But this morning I woke up at ate honeynut cheerios and milk for the first time in probably a month or more. Yum! So exciting to be able to eat more than toast!

Sleeping.... or the lack there of

I love to sleep. It's basically my favorite hobby.... after riding and playing with the doggies. I am a professional napper and have been known to nap for 4 or 5 hours at a time.

But lately sleep has been laughing in my face. I am always tired. I hear this is a common 1st trimester problem. Between being sick and the effort your body is making to grow a tiny human, well let's just say it's exhausting.

I've been taking a nap almost every day. I sleep like the dead. But by 9 or 10pm I'm so tired again and can't wait to go back to sleep! Only, I can't sleep! I fall asleep then sleep lightly and wake frequently all through the night.

Roader, our old lab who sleeps in our room, itches all night (we've switched to grain free food but it's taking forever to get rid of his allergies.....) and then I can hear wild animals outside or the neighbor pull in from his job at 11:30 pm. I have to get up and pee at least once in the middle of the night if not 2 or 3 times. And now quite frequently it's to do other things in the bathroom.

What I want to know is how you can go from being stopped up for days on end, drinking teas and taking fiber pills daily to no avail to having the trots like BAM. How does my body decide to go from one to the other in the space of hours?

So now I'm at work, and I should be working. But I'm so tired. I ate my Subway and my cookie and I feel like I should have gotten a footlong because I'm still so freaking hungry! And I really just want to lay my head down on the desk and nap.

But I know I'll get home and nap, or hell, maybe I won't. But either way, by the time I turn off Netflix and shut my book at 11pm I'll still be wide awake, talking to Roader and letting my imagination run wild about everything. Because that's what happens when you lay awake in the dark wishing you could sleep.

Introduction

The name of my blog in no way insinuates anything negative, like a man saying he's going to be saddled with a wife *eye roll* for the rest of his life. It is entirely positive. Both my fiance and I ride horses. He exercises at the track and we also own and train some of our own and the past 3 years I have been training my trusty sidekick, Twister, to event. SO rides Western if he's not riding racehorses and I prefer English. But we still love riding together.

me, Perdo the rescue kitty and SO

We have a farm out down a back road. A couple horses and a big barn. We both have a soft spot for animals in need and in the past 4 years we have been together alone we have rescued 2 dogs, 4 cats and 3 horses, 2 turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. While my SO has 3 boys, all in their teens, the animals are our babies.

I also have an affinity for photography so I will probably post a million photos on each post whether or not they are related to my post. I love photos and I'm not the worst at taking them either if I do say so myself.

I found out I was pregnant after flying home from my mom's 50th birthday party. I peed on 3 sticks because I couldn't believe it. I was crying and laughing all at the same time. I couldn't wait to tell everyone but most of all SO. He was in shock, ohhhh, probably for a week or two. We had talked about having babies. He is 20 years older than me and his oldest turned 20 in May. He really didn't want to have any more babies. And while I wanted to be a mom, I love him and what we have together and I was willing to let that dream go. But accidents happen. Happy accidents happen.

at the last dressage clinic i rode in the week I found out

And here we are! My mom and stepdad are SO incredibly excited to be a Grandma and Poppa. And my dad and stepmom have taken things pretty well too. But they had my brother to practice on (another story for another day!). All my grandparents are thrilled and all my friends. My bestie from college/soul sister is so excited for me. And my bestie from highschool has taken it upon herself to do all the shower planning with Mom.

And SO is warming up to everything. The initial WTF moment has worn off and we've started talking names and talking about the future and birth plans together.

my little bumpie today

I'm not sure where this blog will take me. I like to journal but also prefer feedback as opposed to just writing things down for myself to read down the road. I want to talk about my fears, hopes and dreams and everything I am feeling and about all my planning. There is just so much!